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Topic: APRIL 1 CONTEST - Fishing Jokes! |
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Club Info
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Now, go fishing for some jokes! Stories, real photos, edited photos, comics are welcomed.
Three Privileged Memberships will be awarded on April 11, 2004 to the ones that make us laugh & admire the most.
Tight smiles!
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Alex
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***POST 01***
HOW TO LAUNCH A PWC!
I could not resist temptation to repost this one!
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The Yak
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***POST 02***
I found this one today..
Top twenty reasons fishing is better than sex
#20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.
#19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.
#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.
#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with
you once in a while.
#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.
#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing,
you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you
become famous.
#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished
with long ago.
#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to
feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.
#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't
object if you Fish with someone else.
#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish
by yourself.
#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if
they are really an undercover cop.
#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood
to buy Fishing stuff.
#7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office,
tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without
getting sued for harassment.
#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to
subscribe to the Playboy channel.
#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest
of your life.
#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses
interest in it.
#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to
enjoy your favorite activity.
#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just
Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"
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The Yak
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***POST 03***
And yet another....
This one is the best ive seen so far...
http://www.dougsportfolio.com/video/bearsfishing.wmv
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capt josh
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***POST 04***
One afternoon halibut fishing old Bill Shaw ties into a good fish. After a valiant tussle the 81 year old manages to get the fish to the side of the boat...it's a nice big female around 100 pounds. I lean over and tell old Bill not to lift the fish's head out of the water as i manipulate the leader for a good harpoon shot. Old Bill in all his excitement rears back almighty on the rod and ripps the hook right out of the fish's mouth. Like a shot from a rifle the 2 pound halibut sinker rockets past my hand and cracks me right between the eyes. A few moments later I wake up and there's old Bill standing over me, re-baited up and still fishing..."JESUS CHRIST KID!", he's screaming "YOU LOST THE FISH!!!!"
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geoff
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***POST 05***
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geoff
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***POST 06***
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Steelheader
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***POST 07***
A woman goes into a shop to buy a rod and reel as a gift
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter where there's a shop assistant wearing dark shades. "Excuse me sir" she says "can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
The assistant replies "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's only $20.00".
The lady said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The assistant rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
"Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
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Alex
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capt josh, that looks like a real story, is it? 
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capt josh
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ahhh...funny, and true...
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ply256
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***POST 08***
Here's an old one but good one.....
Wanted:
Good woman who can clean and cook fish,
sew, dig worms and owns boat & motor.
Send photo of boat & motor.
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The Yak
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did anyone bother to check out the video link i posted?
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salmon assasin
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***POST 09***
ya yak i did and i almost died laughing the first time i saw it.
Here's one for ya
The only thing I'll worry about when I die is that my wife will sell my fishing gear for what I told her I paid for it.
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The Yak
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holy crap does that ever ring true for me... thats so funny but in the same breath horrifying!
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geoff
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***POST 10***
- i caught a twenty pound Salmon last week.
- were there any witnesses?
- there sure were. if there weren't, it would have been forty pounds.
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geoff
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***POST 11***
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Steelheader
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***POST 12***
A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Algonquin Park recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?!" the warden replied. "Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works." "O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious. The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" the man responded. "When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted. "Call who back?" the man asked. "The FISH." "What fish?" the man asked.
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Steelheader
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***POST 13***
A blonde wanted to go ice-fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy foot-stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly ---from the sky--- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!" Startled, the Blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!" The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!" She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Who are you --- God?" The voice replied, "NO, I OWN THE ICE-RINK!"
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troutfan
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***POST 14***
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange-looking fish. A man was walking by and said, "Wow! What a nice Gauddam Fish!" The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain."
The man said, "But that's the species of the fish - a Gauddam Fish." The sister said, "Oh, okay."
The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught." Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that."
The nun said, "That's the species of it - a Gauddam Fish." So, the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."
While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught." Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!"
Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it - a Gauddam Fish." Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it."
That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank you, I caught the Gauddam Fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish." And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."
The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said, "I think I'm going to like this f%$@# ing place!"
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troutfan
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***POST 15***
Ice fishing.
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geoff
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***POST 16***
HR interviews a new candidate for a position in a store:
- do you like to work?
- no, i like fishing and will use every opportunity not to work and go fishing instead
- you are hired
- ?
- so far we didn't have a single fishermen that does not lie!
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olie'
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Steelheader, that is f***n funny man....... you should win for that 1
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geoff
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***POST 17***
drunken fisherman gets into a bus:
- t-t-two t-t-tickets, please
- and what else? - the driver asks sarcastically
- t-t-two beer, please
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geoff
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***POST 18***
wife to her husband:
- i don't understand, how can you spend the whole weekend fishing?
- why talk about things that you do not understand?
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Mike89
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***POST 19***
shit i got up today at 4 in the mourning I left thought it was gonna be a great day of fishing but once i hit the 7km at Jones Lake there started to be alot of snow probally close to a meter so i thought i could make it with a 4wd explorer but i got stuff and it took 6 hours to get with the great ppls there to get us out they tryed everything once pulling 2 trucks and nothing but finnaly it caught the ground and we got out but i didnt even put my fishing rod in the water and now the truck wont come out of 4x4 low so i drove all the way home in 4x4 to richmond this is got to win the best fishing story ever TRUE STORY HAPPENED TODAY
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Anonymous
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***POST 20***
steelheader you are funny !!!
So there was a very nice man in his forties and he was telling his french neighborabout his recent fishing trip. and then the neighbor brings up that his family from Quebec that dosent speak english is comming for the week next saturday and asks the man if he can take his family slamon fishing. Being a nice guy the man agrees and they decide upon a date.The next sunday the french family shows up all ready to go fishing and they leave on the boat for pender harbour.
about half way through the day they get a small coho not big enough to keep so as the man bends over to release and out comes a seal and takes thge fish right out of his hands and he is freaked and all of a sudden the french family stars saying f***, f***, f*** and the man goes ya ya F*** is right F***.
turns out when he got home and told his neighbor the story he tells him f** is seal in french.
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whilma
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***POST 21***
> Dear Abby:
> After I retired, I could really spend some time enjoying my favorite
pastime
> -- bass fishing.
> I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me,
> but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait &
> Tackle Shop I got to talking to Sam, the owner who it turned out loves
> bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies.
>
> As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing and she not only refuses
> to join us, she always complains that I spend too much time fishing. A
> few weeks ago we had the best fishing trip ever! Not only did I catch
> the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam
> must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding
up
> the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife
> hoping that maybe she'd get interested.
>
> Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And
> she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me
enjoying
> myself.
>
> What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or
quit
> fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
>
> Thanks,
> A fisherman
> PS: I have enclosed the picture of Sam showing off the bass we caught.
(See
> attached)
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whilma
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oooooooooops I tried to puy clothes on sam and the pic was supposed to came after the dear abbey story. And i don't knkow how to remove the pic. Sorry if this offends anyone.
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salmon assasin
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the anonomous about the seal tacking the salmon and the french people was me I dont know what happened maybe I signed in wrong
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dwg
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***POST 22***
Yep, our family is French Canadian. The pronounciation is the same, however, it's written "phoque" not "F***".
Imagine the faces of people at the vancouver aquarium when my 3 year old son started yelling "phoque!" "phoque!" when the seals give their little show.
It was a little embarassing!
-dwg
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Alex
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Just couple days left 
We are planning to do an open voting for this Contest. So, do not hesitate to submit several posts!
BUMP!
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ply256
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***POST 23***
Here's another good one:
GONE FISHING
An old man takes his grandson fishing on afternoon. After 15 minutes of fishing, ol grandpa takes out his flask of whiskey and starts drinking. His grandson asks, "Can I have some Grandpa?"
"Can your dick touch your ass?" he replies.
"No."
"Then you're not old enought, sit down."
Another 15 minutes pass and grandpa takes out his Camel cigarettes and starts to puff away. His grandson asks, "Can I have some of that gramps?"
"Can your dick touch your ass?"
"No."
"Then you're not old enough, sit down."
Feeling bad the little boy sits down and starts to eat some chocolate chip cookies that he brought along. Grandpa sees these cookies and asks, "Can I have a cookie?"
"Can your dick touch your ass?"
"Yeah."
"Well, then go f*** yourself cause grandma made these for me."
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ply256
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Sorry about the foul language, didn't mean to offend anyone.
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Steelheader
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***POST 24***
what is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a bottom dwelling scum sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
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Steelheader
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wasnt the deadline a few days ago?
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salmon assasin
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ya i know O well maybe alex is out fishing.
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Alex
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Jokes are really hard to judge! I need your help here 
Please select the top 3 posts (all eligible jokes were assigned a number). We will count votes on April 16  (before I leave for another trip  )
My vote:
Post 09
Post 12
Post 19
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The Yak
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Heres my votes. hehehe
Post 3
Post 19
Post 23
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salmon assasin
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Heres mine!
09
03
07
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Steelheader
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Heres mine
7
12
23
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Sergio
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Here they are:
01
15
21
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riseforms
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Here are my favourites:
12
2
19
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geoff
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15
21
22
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Club Info
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Congratulations to the three winners! 
Post 12 - Steelheader
Post 19 - Mike89
Post 21 - Salley (was randomly selected from all other posts, which got two votes).
All the winners receive one-year Privileged Membership in the SharpHooks.com Fishing Club.
Tight lines and sharp hooks!
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Steelheader
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thanks a lot
how do i activate it?
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Alex
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It will be updated by admin. Just check "My Account" to verify the expiration date.
Welcome to the Club!
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whilma
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yahoooooooo........ Just got back from Vegas and did not win there..... So this is great. Does that mean i can look up the juicy fishing reports? Do i have to sign up again.
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